feeling blue
i haven't talked to shouzi in ages. the last time i called him was when dan and i fought and i called shou zi and cried my heart out.
he msged me on msn today and it was 5 min conversation but it was nice. we talked briefly about how we have grown and how much simpler life used to be. warms my heart to see how happy and successful my fair-skinned nerdy friend has become.
growing up is rough and maybe i've just had it really easy the last couple of years. seems like everyone else has had a heartache they've survived and can now advise me to move on, that time will heal all wounds, that i'll definitely find something better, and i'll be able to look back fondly at what we had. perhaps one day. i think i need to wallow in self-pity and cling on to nothing for a few weeks before i can chin up and face the world again.
first i have to work on not crying at every thought of him. pictures of him are all over my room, by my bed, on the walls, shelves, floor- EVERYWHERE. but i can't bring myself to take them down just yet. i need a while before catharsis begins. then the watch, the ring, the ishuffle, my fitness kit, his painting we bought from the street in sardinia. my life is surrounded by things that are part of me/him. what watch will i wear otherwise? my finger would feel too empty without the ring. then i wonder what i've given him that would remind him of me. maybe the journey through every country in the world book i gave him asking him to see the world with me. but that's easily hidden in a closet. maybe the ride me t-shirt but that's also closet worthy. sigh the price of being cheap.
tomorrow i start my culinary class with my gay co-worker. think it will be fun. thurs night lynette and i are going to some mixer and maybe we'll meet some old ugly professionals that will make me miss dan even more. but baby steps. life can only get better from rock bottom.
he msged me on msn today and it was 5 min conversation but it was nice. we talked briefly about how we have grown and how much simpler life used to be. warms my heart to see how happy and successful my fair-skinned nerdy friend has become.
growing up is rough and maybe i've just had it really easy the last couple of years. seems like everyone else has had a heartache they've survived and can now advise me to move on, that time will heal all wounds, that i'll definitely find something better, and i'll be able to look back fondly at what we had. perhaps one day. i think i need to wallow in self-pity and cling on to nothing for a few weeks before i can chin up and face the world again.
first i have to work on not crying at every thought of him. pictures of him are all over my room, by my bed, on the walls, shelves, floor- EVERYWHERE. but i can't bring myself to take them down just yet. i need a while before catharsis begins. then the watch, the ring, the ishuffle, my fitness kit, his painting we bought from the street in sardinia. my life is surrounded by things that are part of me/him. what watch will i wear otherwise? my finger would feel too empty without the ring. then i wonder what i've given him that would remind him of me. maybe the journey through every country in the world book i gave him asking him to see the world with me. but that's easily hidden in a closet. maybe the ride me t-shirt but that's also closet worthy. sigh the price of being cheap.
tomorrow i start my culinary class with my gay co-worker. think it will be fun. thurs night lynette and i are going to some mixer and maybe we'll meet some old ugly professionals that will make me miss dan even more. but baby steps. life can only get better from rock bottom.
posted by jia en at 4:27 PM
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