feeling blue

i haven't talked to shouzi in ages. the last time i called him was when dan and i fought and i called shou zi and cried my heart out.

he msged me on msn today and it was 5 min conversation but it was nice. we talked briefly about how we have grown and how much simpler life used to be. warms my heart to see how happy and successful my fair-skinned nerdy friend has become.

growing up is rough and maybe i've just had it really easy the last couple of years. seems like everyone else has had a heartache they've survived and can now advise me to move on, that time will heal all wounds, that i'll definitely find something better, and i'll be able to look back fondly at what we had. perhaps one day. i think i need to wallow in self-pity and cling on to nothing for a few weeks before i can chin up and face the world again.

first i have to work on not crying at every thought of him. pictures of him are all over my room, by my bed, on the walls, shelves, floor- EVERYWHERE. but i can't bring myself to take them down just yet. i need a while before catharsis begins. then the watch, the ring, the ishuffle, my fitness kit, his painting we bought from the street in sardinia. my life is surrounded by things that are part of me/him. what watch will i wear otherwise? my finger would feel too empty without the ring. then i wonder what i've given him that would remind him of me. maybe the journey through every country in the world book i gave him asking him to see the world with me. but that's easily hidden in a closet. maybe the ride me t-shirt but that's also closet worthy. sigh the price of being cheap.

tomorrow i start my culinary class with my gay co-worker. think it will be fun. thurs night lynette and i are going to some mixer and maybe we'll meet some old ugly professionals that will make me miss dan even more. but baby steps. life can only get better from rock bottom.

even durian doesn't taste so good anymore

mostly depressing weekend, everyone here down and out relationship-wise. tonight instead of UN, we had group therapy-i cooked my low fat version of char kway teow and we ordered general tso's in and spent 4 hours moping and indulging in self pity. was supposed to try and study the municipal market today but only managed to get through 2 pages. i guess the real torture will come tomorrow.

i was walked into while in the bathroom myself sarah and to make things worse it was a friend so how very awkward to step out after.

all i could think about today was how i don't want to move on, how much i want to keep trying and maybe one day things will be ok between us. i've known not much else and i want to keep it that way. i don't want time to make things better because then we're just running away right now.

is it all hopeless now? how do you know to give up when your heart has not let up?

dream job

water supply is out tonight. came home to find that the water main was broken and i resorted to using my bottled water to cook some instant noodles for dinner. i hope they fix it by tonight or i won't be able to shower and sleep.

still waiting to hear back and the anticipation is killing me.

in the meantime my loneliness and heartache is slightly alleviated by watching lots of animal behaviour on nat geo. the hunter and hunted is showing now and they have great footage of animals and for the first time i've seen, they filmed the camera man filming the creatures from only centimeters away (so third person perspective- makes it that much more thrilling because now you know they don't just dangle a camera on a long rod). and it wasn't just ants they were capturing on film- they jumped into the ocean with a whale shark and a group of sharks swiming close by, shoved a camera into the face of the anaconda, waded into the swamp with crocs only feet away.

working for nat geo has always been my dream job but i can't take good pictures and i think i might be a little afraid to swim with sharks so where do i start?

so i found the national geographic channel but i cannot remember where food network and hgtv are anymore. SWARMS is showing now- all about animals/insects that flock together in the hundreds of thousands- locusts made me uncomfortable, but when they started showing cockroaches by the colonies, my ears started itching and i had to close my eyes and go take a shower.

and killer bees exist. they're called african bees, live in arizona mainly, are super agressive and attack humans when threatened.

and giant hornets that eat meat (yes- MEAT) and whose venom can disintegrate your face when stung.

this is like nature's horror flick.

and i have been posting like mad. you see my need to rant?

scary thought

i was trying to join amnesty international online and i had to choose my country. so as i scroll down and passed the 'S' section, there was no Singapore. sarah- are we allowed to start a chapter on our own? or is there not one because we are a benevolent dictatorship?

lonely times

hang! i don't believe you actually read this. that is funny. i miss you around and think how much less of nyc i would have seen if we weren't living together (i mean, you're my fellow market-prowler and i miss our fun weekends!!!)

trust me- times are much harder without ru and hang for me to bitch with. my mum asked the other day -are you ok? take care coz it must be difficult now that both han yi and peiru are gone. AWWW... i truly miss you guys.

anyway i went crazy last night with that HITs or is it MTV fresh compilation cd. blasted it and danced around the house like a madwoman and did squats and other exercises i thought would help make my butt slightly smaller. so today i am aching a little but it's a good sort of ache. heartache unfortunately does not feel as good.

the new york times

ru and sarah - girls i miss you and wish i were there so we could just hang out and bitch about nothing and everything. peiru- UN noodles is not the same without you. :(

trying to study but all i can think about is why he didn't call. it's a gnawing feeling
and i want to explode, cry out loud or just lie on my bed and think all these stupid things, but none of these things can just reach out and touch him and tell him i love him more than anything in the world. (just about)

i was making my bed this morning and noticed the price tag i never cut out from my quilt. all part of my buy-and-return strategy. obviously failed this time but i try for the most part to convince myself it really doesn't look great on me once i get home.

i'm looking forward to pad see-aw tonight at UN-sans ru and hang sadly- but it is my comfort food and maybe it will make me feel a little better.

my to-do list gets longer everyday. am i the only one who feels her life is one big administrative mess.

other than the brainless errands i want to accomplish the following:
- tops.
- sell stuff i can't wear
- paint
- culinary school
- room makeover (just maybe- think it's to do with watching all these design shows)

tu do bem?

how do i change this font? it bugs me because it looks so ancient. like times new roman or something.

watching belle epoque now and it reminds me of this other movie young adam i think it was where the guy sleeps with all the sisters and finally ends up with the youngest. i think maybe young adam was the irish spin on the spanish film.

i think i like to watch foreign films because there's something damn sexy about not really understanding the language (other than paying attention so much more to body language and gestures). i always fantasize about speaking english with a french accent because that's just HOT. one time my swiss friend asked "but you speak with an accent too no? that's pretty hot." and i explained that the singaporean accent is by no means romantic or very sexy. he just laughed - i think he heard my point.

before she left, hang was my walking tv guide. i never figured out the channels for myself and so for the first time in months yesterday i fiddled around and stumbled upon the foodnetwork and even better - HGTV (home and garden tv). they're a channel apart and i'm not risking forgetting what they are by switching to mtv. i would try to find discovery again but they don't have very good programming here and i don't think nat geo comes free with the basic plan. exactly a year ago that's all i was doing- toggling between the food network and hgtv and squeezing in some time to finish up with school. i can't believe it's been almost a year.

an exam tomorrow about govts, corps and swaps. i know i am stressed when i drink packet
coffee to keep awake. i plan to stay up all night just like in college and do everything but concentrate.

hang's friends are over and they forgot to remove their shoes which is bugging me. ny streets are filthy and who knows what kind of street diseases they've brought in. but i don't want to be impolite and tell them to remove their shoes. funny they don't notice that hang and i are BAREFOOT.

i had a sex and city moment the other day when i was standing at a street corner and a bus came and SLOSHED through a puddle causing a good amount of street juice to splatter all over my leg. EEW. yes the street juice here is potent- contains probably traces of rat urine, oil, spilled coke, spit and god knows what else.