andres hooked up with a girl a couple of weeks ago and he said boy she has big titties man- i LOVE it! but i don't think they're real- they're a little too hard to be.

this past weekend the girl stayed the night and when i introduced myself the next morning in the living room, all i could see were the boobs. they were round and massive for a thin thin girl, and very obviously fake because they looked like they popped right out of her chest. but she had a plain face and without the juggly jugs she would have been completely unattractive (think a red-headed olive oyl with a sharper nose and oval face), but armed with those massive melons she was almost hot.

i could not stop staring because she is the very first person i know by name with fake boobs. i felt a little like austin powers and the mole because all i could not take my mind off them for at least ten minutes and was dying to ask - how many CCs did you fill? so you went up two cup sizes? how much did you pay for them? did it hurt like shit right after? where the heck did you get the money from?? what did you tell people when you went on vacation and came back with a huge chest?

don't worry baby, no judgements- i just need to know for when i go for MY own boob job.

a headhunter's office reception area is about the most uncomfortable i have ever had to spend ten minutes.

first of all because who knows who you might bump into there- ex classmates, mere acquaintances or worse still perhaps another colleague.you already know what everyone is here for so no pretending or acting will be necessary- and these days, who doesn't put up a show? i guess maybe you could strike up an awkward conversation starting with

oh i guess your job sucks too?

if you're lucky enough not to meet anyone you vaguely remember (or who remembers you), you try to keep you eyes down and not make eye-contact with other people in the waiting area because i mean, what kind of bullshit small talk would you make?

oh i guess your job sucks too?

and of course you are the only over-dressed fools in the office- the recruiters aren't meeting clients today so they are in business casual and it's like oh my god what a fucking pretense this whole corporate bullshit.

thank goodness i've managed to avoid/not have the bad luck to come across yet the above-mentioned awkward situations in the headhunter's office reception (other than the part where i'm thinking to myself that this is all corporate bullshit but still participate anyway).

so on to the next reception area which is a space just as awkward but allows room for more imagination. This is the reception area of The NY Dermatology Group with its celeb/celeb-like clientele and swanky facilities.

the best/worst thing about meeting someone here is that you know they are getting treated for something aesthetic/cosmetic and you really want to find out so you can tell everyone that she got a nose job. but should you be rude enough to ask "oh so what are you here for?" or just pretend all is swell and ask oh how was your weekend? even though it's already thursday and you already know she was probably partying it up at pink elephant or cain.

my last visit there to get the stitches out of my newly removed cyst, i saw the french girl my friend had dated for a couple of months. she was pointing to parts of her face as she talked to the doctor and waited for her medication to be brought out and my mind was racing through the possibilities- botox to the creaselines on her forehead, laser to smooth out her complexion... doctor can you reshape my nose?
however, being the chicken that i am, i pretended not to see her and spied her through the corner of my eye from behind the magazine so i could avoid the awkward small talk that would ensue if i had gone up to say hello.

i went back to my friend the next day though and told him i saw her at THE NY DERMATOLOGY GROUP *hint hint* and he told me- oh yeah, she gets her lips injected with collagen. AHA! I JUST KNEW IT!!! NO WOMAN IS PERFECT. HAHAHA. she might have slender legs and a great sense of style- BUT WAIT- her lips are thin!

back in michigan i remember daniel amy and kairui were vitamin water crazy. they would buy em by the truckload and i never understood why because it was just badly flavoured water with cool candy colourings and wiseass-philosophy packaging. at that time i snubbed it and swore i'd never be a victim of such a well-marketed bad product.
then recently the company kitchen started stocking the beverage coolers with bottles of vitamin water and of course i threw all my principles out the window and took 2-3 bottles by the armful each time i saw them. i kept an ongoing inventory on my desk at work and the bottles provided a rainbow coloured distraction to the sanitary white workspace. i applauded myself when i managed to shamelessly rake the count up to FIVE bottles on my desk and was quite the proud hoarder of office freebies. my moment was not to last however. the very next day i came to work only to find that my FIVE bottles had been wiped down to just ONE- the only one i had opened to take a sip out of!!! WTF.
i swear the culprits must be the eastern european cleaning ladies who were the only people around my floor when I left that evening. those ladies must've snitched my precious vitamin water while they chowed down on the pizza they usually get from patsy's at around that time.
or perhaps it was the hand of god- finally punishing me for my unprincipled and prideful looting and hoarding.

got an ergonomic toothbrush as a gift a couple of days ago. it is three times the sizes of a regular toothbrush and the actual brush is so large it scrubs my teeth and gums without any circular or up and down motions. it is a cute candy turqoise and quite a quirky device. perhaps it was in response to my recent cavities or perhaps bad breath?

certain facts of life

i go to the tailor across my apt building on 14th st to get my stuff altered all the time. today i am getting a dress which is way too big for me taken in on the sides. my korean seamstress looks at my chest as she is pinning the sides in and comments "ah ...you are very flat eh!"

erm yeah, thanks for the reminder.

my face looks like it was pummeled. all we did was sleep with the windows open because the weather has gotten cooler and the a/c was taken out. but because it rained the day before, we had mozzies swarming all over but by the time we realized, it was too late and the mozzies had made a feast of my face, legs, arms and whatever else they felt like. and now i have these ugly red welts all over and they itch like a bitch too. this seems to happen to me pretty damn frequently.

i also seem to bruise easily so any damn thing that hits my leg causes a big black and blue. last week i had to wear black opaque tights to work wed to fri because of these unsightly discoloured patches on both legs. and the ones on my arm make me feel a little abused but i think they are from my laptop that sticks out slightly from my shoulder bag and hits my inner arm.

doctor visits

this week i took a break from traveling and decided to fix everything, if anything, wrong with myself so i made an appointment with the dermatologist and the dentist. the dermatologist for the cysts on my legs (they don't look quite as scary as they sound- really), and the dentist because i hadn't seen one in about 2 years.

so my first visit was to the dermatologist on 19th and 5th. the office turned out to be really swish- clean, spacious, modern and minimalist. it felt like i was visiting the plastic surgeon's because i saw an older lady who was obviously there for her weekly botox shot or maybe yearly facelift. hmm.

wait my turn and finally get shown into a sanitary room with frosted glass doors. wait some more while i read a brochure about atypical nevus which are possibly skin cancers and wonder if any of my moles could be atypical and cancerous. the doctor finally comes in and he looks buff and well kept under his scrubs - kind of like that plastic surgeon on Dr90210. show him my cysts which he told me were harmless and in fact i could google "dermafibroma" to find out more about my affliction. i told him they did not hurt but had grown from when they first appeared (fede told me to say that so that everything would be covered by insurance and i did). so i will be getting them removed two weeks from now. i've never really had a procedure performed on me and i am sure it will be very strange.

a couple of days later i went to the dentist. dentists must have such a laugh behind their face masks because they get to stick all sorts of stuff into your mouth to pry it open in weird positions and watch saliva collect in puddles in your cheek. he took some xrays and cleaned my teeth with some kind of superfast spinning device which i thought he was going to drill right through my teeth the way he was going. you don't even know how many freak scenarios ran through my mind those 5, maybe 10 minutes of cleaning because you have absolutely no idea what the dentist is doing while your mouth is cranked open. i imagined he was sharpening away and giving me pointy teeth; i imagined blood spewing from my gums if he only slipped a millimeter, missed my teeth and the drill plunged into my gums instead.

as if that wasn't horrific enough, he then lit up the xray films and pointed out 3 cavities in the back of my front two teeth! i thought cavities were a problem of kids, not a 24 year old who brushes twice a day!! and how fucking strange is getting cavities in my two front teeth??????

a couple of days later i went back to get the cavities cleaned and filled and this time it was even scarier because as he drilled, all these miniscule particles were flying out of my mouth, and i couldn't tell if it was water or enamel dust. i won't even mention how fucking painful the anesthesia jabs were.

the next day i am drinking a can of diet pepsi through a straw like i do every morning and my front teeth hurt because the straw ends right behind my two front teeth. suddenly it became clear how i got those cavities! now i have to figure out how to
drink soda without sipping it through the straw in the middle of my mouth or turn to coffee as my alternative caffeine source which will turn my teeth yellow. so which is the lesser of two evils??